Jerks & Irks LXII: The Pros and Cons of a Writing Retreat

Well, folks, I’m back from the weekend writing retreat in Rehoboth Beach, DE. I am happy to say I was pretty productive. I regret to say I don’t know if I’ll do another one. What? I know. Crazy talk. But let’s break the experience down a bit, shall we?

PROS:

• I was very productive. I wrote over 10,000 words between Friday night, when we checked in, and Saturday evening. It came out to be about fourteen ‘bare bones’ chapters. I wrote so much I had to stop early. While the other ladies were still typing away, I buried my face in my Kindle. Check out was early on Sunday morning and I left even earlier than that, without so much as cracking open my laptop. I had nothing else left in me.
• It’s easy to write when everyone else around you is writing. I currently write full-time and aim for at least a thousand words a day when I write. But some days I don’t feel like it and some days Hubby-pants comes home early. Other days, there are shows clogging up the DVR that require my attention. But when there are five other people, arduously working, the television is off, etc., there’s really nothing to do but write or risk feeling like an ass. Even though I had nothing left to do by 9pm on Saturday, I still felt a little like an ass when I curled up on the couch with my Kindle.
• The surroundings are inspirational. Not only was the cottage about twenty feet from the water, not only was there a beautiful view from the main window, not only was there a lovely gas fireplace, but the cottage itself was nice and clean. Why does that matter? It just created a sense of “not a care in the world.” When I’m home, even though I could strictly dedicate two full days to writing and vow not to turn on the TV or surf the internet, the environment isn’t always very appealing. The stains in the carpet. The cats in the hallway throwing up hairballs. The dishes in the sink. The cars driving by. My dumbass neighbor, Tool Time, clamoring away at some home project. These things aren’t inspirational, no matter how nicely my desk is set up.

CONS:

• There was NO WiFi. My phone barely had enough reception to send texts to my husband. I’m sure there are other locales with WiFi available, but this past weekend, not having WiFi was a drag. Not because I missed scrolling through Facebook (okay, maybe I missed that a little bit), but because writing psychological/crime fiction takes a lot of research. When I arrived at the cottage, I had less than a thousand words written of the next book, Blood in the Paper. I had a general storyline, but I hadn’t done any research yet. I do research as I go, as questions arise. Without WiFi, I was forced to keep writing without knowing if my characters’ surroundings, circumstances, and decisions were even plausible. I ended up stopping on Saturday evening because I refused to go any further without knowing if I was on the right track, if my story was realistic. Before I picked up my Kindle, I read through what I had written so far and jotted down any questions that popped into my head. When all was said and done, I had SEVEN notebook pages of questions that needed answering! Now, do you see why I stopped? The worst case scenario is I have to scrap all the work I did over the weekend and start over and that really grinds my gears, guys.
• I don’t write like everyone else. I already knew that I don’t fancy writing to music. Instead, I prefer writing with TV reruns on in the background as white noise. At the retreat, however, everyone was fine writing in silence. This drove me nuts. The sound of six people click-clacking away at their keyboards for hours on end was like an auditory form of torture that I think they should experiment with at Guantanamo. On Saturday afternoon, one of the women mentioned she was going for a walk on the beach and I couldn’t put my shoes on fast enough to join her, to hear gentle waves instead of incessant typing for just a few minutes. When we returned from the walk, I found the sound of typing even more jarring and had to sit outside for a little while so I didn’t overturn furniture in a rage of irritation. Why didn’t I just force myself to listen to music, you ask? Because I don’t have any songs stored on my phone or laptop; I love streaming too much. And without WiFi or proper cell phone reception, I couldn’t stream a damn thing.
• I really did feel like an ass when I couldn’t write anymore. As inspirational as the surroundings and the company proved to be, I don’t like being judged for not writing. At home, there are no judgments. If I want to stop to watch an hour of TV, I can. If I want to catch some of the Final Four games, or watch the Yankees for a bit, I can. There, like I said above, you feel like an ass if you stop writing. I actually had to explain myself to someone when I picked up my Kindle in lieu of my laptop. Mind you, the person wasn’t accusatory when they asked if I was “done for the night” or whatever, but a small part of me resented being asked.
• People have different sleep schedules. After the whole No WiFi thing, this probably bothered me the most. I slept in the living room, on an air mattress beside the fireplace. It was very cozy and I enjoyed not having to share a room with anyone else (I’m a very light sleeper, even with ear plugs). However, I did not enjoy having to wake up at 7am on both Saturday and Sunday. Not that I’m the type of person to sleep until noon, but I normally wake up at 8 or 9am. I think that’s respectable. Then, even though I was tired later in the day, I had to watch everyone else be able to retreat to their rooms to nap whereas I didn’t have any such option, being set up in the living room. At night, I felt like I was kicking people out when I began setting up my bed to go to sleep. I felt like they wanted to keep writing. Again, I felt judged for wanting to call it a day a little before midnight. Now, I understand that these complaints are probably the sole result of having been the one who slept in the living room, but had I shared a room with someone else, you would have seen that listed here under ‘cons’ instead. I would have been the one waking up whoever was in the living room, or the person sharing the room with me would have woken me up. I would have been the one who wanted everyone to be quiet while I was taking a nap. I would have been the one who felt put out when the living room sleeper set up their air mattress. So you see, there’s no winning when it comes to sleep schedules.

All in all, I’ll summarize the experience like this: My first weekend writing retreat was quite possibly very productive (only time and research will tell), but the arrangements themselves were a bit uncomfortable. Will I do it again? Not sure. Maybe when I start the last book in the Blood for Blood Series, I’ll venture out again to get a 10,000 word head start. But I will only go if there’s WiFi and I have my own room. 😉

 

Do Readers Know the Difference Between Thrillers and Mysteries?

Last week I posted about the four types of serial killers and how I knew my stuff and people should just step off. Well, I wasn’t quite that harsh about it, but you get the idea. Not to harp on one terrible…let’s say interesting…beta reader experience, but that post reminded me of something else that person had trouble with. Besides questioning the motivations of my main character and the catalyst to her becoming a serial killer, the person also didn’t understand why there were sections of Blood in the Paint told from my killer’s point of view, why her full name was routinely used, and why the reader knew so much about her. She kept referring to Blood in the Paint as a ‘mystery.’

And that’s where she messed up. I don’t write mysteries. I don’t write whodunits. I write thrillers. When I set out to write this series years ago, my main inspiration was to pen something that colored the killer in a sympathetic light by writing from their POV.  I mentioned in my other post that this particular beta reader hadn’t read Blood in the Past prior to volunteering to be a beta. Perhaps that was part of the problem. But I have never billed my books as mysteries and I even shy away from describing them as suspense. So I have to wonder: is all my careful genre specificity wasted because readers think ‘mystery’ and ‘thriller’ are synonyms?

According to Jodie Renner, author of Writing a Killer Thriller, readers were always more familiar with mysteries than with thrillers. She goes on to point out that some bookstores have a ‘Mystery’ section, but not a ‘Thriller’ section, which leads to both genres being shelved in the same space. In the rest of her guest post for DP Lyle’s Writers Forensic Blog, she talks about the two main differences between mysteries and thrillers.

First, in a mystery, neither the reader nor the protagonist knows who the killer is. The whole idea is to figure out “whodunit,” then apprehend the bad guy. In a thriller, the reader often knows who the villain is early on, and sometimes the hero does too. The object is for the hero to outwit and stop the killer before he kills others, including the hero, or endangers the world. Also, in mysteries, the protagonist is not usually in danger, whereas in thrillers, the protagonist is almost always directly threatened, fighting for his life as he matches wits with a clever, determined, amoral villain.

The other main difference between mysteries and thrillers is in the delivery—how they are told. Mysteries are usually more cerebral, for readers who enjoy solving puzzles, whereas thrillers are more heart-pounding, adrenaline-raising, appealing to the emotions and a yearning for excitement, a desire to vicariously confront danger and defeat nasty villains. A mystery, especially a “cozy” one, can unfold in a leisurely fashion, but thrillers need to be much more fast-paced and suspenseful.

Given these points, Blood in the Past and Blood in the Paint are most definitely thrillers. Even though one of the main characters becomes a cop and investigates the series of suspicious deaths, the reader knows who the killer is the entire time. (It’s in the blurb for frick’s sake!) In addition, reviewers have said that the pacing of Blood in the Past is downright page-turning. But I’m not one to brag…

Enough about me and my books. My question is: are readers aware of these differences or do they suffer from the same confusion as my beta reader? And if they do, what is the likelihood that they’ll leave less than favorable reviews as a result?

 

 

 

 

Turns Out, I DO Know My Serial Killers

My upcoming release, Blood in the Paint, is going through the final stages of editing and I couldn’t be more terrified happier. I started writing Blood in the Paint almost a decade ago, way before its predecessor, Blood in the Past, and it’s been quite a journey.

I minored in Criminology and Psychology in college and that basic knowledge has helped me tremendously. But I’ve still had my doubts. Am I writing Lyla Kyle’s background correctly? Am I right about her motivations? Am I right about her methods and mindset? Still, I did my research and I was confident I knew my stuff.

Until a few months ago. One of the new beta readers to join my gaggle didn’t get through the entire Blood in the Paint manuscript. She questioned Lyla Kyle as a serial killer every step of the way. My face flushed with every comment she’d left. “I went to school for this,” I mumbled through clenched teeth. Eventually I got over it. I re-verified all the details, reminded myself that she hadn’t even read Blood in the Past (so she didn’t have Lyla’s background info), and moved on.

Then I found this Jennifer Chase blog post that put me at ease completely. She listed the four types of serial killers and I was psyched to discover I was already familiar with them:

Power & Control

This type of serial killer experiences complete sexual gratification from the domination and humiliation of the victim.  This killer is a true sociopath and lives by his own personal set of rules and guidelines.  Many of the famous serial killers we have seen in history would fall under his type of serial killer.

Visionary

This type of serial killer is compelled by voices or visions they experience and are considered psychotic.  These voices and visions compel them to kill certain kinds of people.

Mission

This type of serial killer feels a “need” or duty to kill certain types of people or “class” of people such as religious or racial groups or prostitutes.  This type of serial killer is not considered psychotic.

Hedonistic

This type of serial killer makes a strong connection between personal violence and sexual gratification.  This type of killer can also be described as a “lust” or “thrill” killer.  This killer receives pleasure from the act and has eroticized the experience.  They generally take the time to torture or mutilate their victims.

For those of you wondering, Lyla Kyle is most definitely a mission killer. In her mind, her father’s infidelity led to her mother’s death. Having always shown a predisposition for killing, even as a child, her mother’s death was the catalyst that motivated her to seek out and seduce married men…and kill them. Also, any collateral damage that occurs during the commission of her mission killings vexes her terribly. So far, so good, if you ask me.

Next, Ms. Chase posted several comments made by criminal psychology professionals from organizations such as the FBI, the Behavioral Analysis Unit (BAU), and the National Center for the Analysis of Violent Crime (NCAVC). The uncertainty surrounding my knowledge and my main character dissipated as I skimmed through them:

• Predisposition to serial killing, much like other violent offenses, is biological, social, and psychological in nature, and it is not limited to any specific characteristic or trait. (Sounds like what I briefly described above regarding Lyla, doesn’t it?)

• The development of a serial killer involves a combination of these factors, which exist together in a rare confluence in certain individuals. They have the appropriate biological predisposition, molded by their psychological makeup, which is present at a critical time in their social development.(This sounds familiar, too!)

• There are no specific combinations of traits or characteristics shown to differentiate serial killers from other violent offenders.

• There is no generic template for a serial killer. (This quote is my favorite. The beta reader who got me down kept trying to put Lyla in a box. Every serial killer is different!)

• Serial killers are driven by their own unique motives or reasons. (Preach!)

• Serial killers are not limited to any specific demographic group, such as their sex, age, race, or religion.

• The majority of serial killers who are sexually motivated erotized violence during development. For them, violence and sexual gratification are inexplicably intertwined in their psyche.

• More research is needed to identify specific pathways of development that produce serial killers. (Exactly! And until then, we can, with some limits, write serial killers any way we choose.)

Now that I feel better, I spend my time being thankful that the other four beta readers devoured my manuscript of Blood in the Paint and had nothing but nice things to say about it. Not to mention the fact that Blood in the Past now has 40 reviews on Amazon and not one of them questions the believability of my characters. In fact, almost all of them say the exact opposite.

Have any of you read Blood in the Past? How did you feel about Lyla Kyle? Are any of you writers who have had your characters’ motives questioned? I want to hear from you!

(PS: This is basically the ‘cover reveal’ for Blood in the Paint! What do you think?)

Jennifer Chase Analyzes The Grinch

I’ve been following award-winning author Jennifer Chase’s blog for quite a while. Most of the time she offers extremely helpful psychological insight that I usually end up earmarking for future use in one of my own books or stories. Recently, however, she posted a gem about the psychopathology of The Grinch. Below is an excerpt:

The Grinch. A criminal who tried to destroy a town but instead found rehabilitation and a chance to choose a different life path. With my interest in criminal psychology and Christmas just about a week away, I thought I would have a little fun and take a look at this character. Can we figure out what made him want to commit these acts against his neighbors? Can we peek inside the mind of the Grinch?

Now, the Grinch certainly is not as evil as some of the villains I have crafted for my novels, who rape and murder and terrify entire communities with their acts. But, the text shows he is guilty of breaking and entering, identity theft and burglary among other acts. Not petty charges, to be sure, and laid out wonderfully in this attorney’s blog post.

Hilarious, right? Read the rest of the post HERE. Happy Holidays everyone! And let’s hope the next time I post, my pants won’t be three sizes two small, like The Grinch’s heart!

The Secret is OUT About My Secret Project!

During the course of the month of July, some of you may have heard me make mention of a “secret project.” I’ve mentioned it here once or twice. On Facebook and Twitter. Instagram. Maybe even Google+ and LinkedIn. Actually, I don’t know about those last two. I really should use those more. Oh, and if you’ve read Blood in the Past, I mention the new project just a bit in the About the Author section in the back. Anyway, if you haven’t heard me mention my secret project, then you’re not sufficiently stalking me enough and you should refer to the aforementioned social networks.

No drum roll. I’ll just come out and say it. My secret project is a serialized novel about a religious cult. Cue gasps. I know. It’s kinda different, possibly a fad. But I like the thought of episodes and seasons and all that. Here is the tentative blurb:

Nestled deep in the Pine Barrens, miles from the hiking trails, campsites, and fishing spots, a path of white clay bricks, lined with birch trees, leads to the Tower. But the Church of The Word and The Way is more than a spiritual congregation living off the land. It’s a demon of many heads, plagued by power hungry members, ritualistic sexual abuse, and murder–with one young couple desperate to escape.

Beres and Kiva are young. They may even be in love. But Kiva is of age and her virginal body belongs to the spirits now. Until the leader of the Church, Cillian, discovers someone has gotten to her body first…

The Church of The Word and The Way. Where your way is blocked and your words are hushed. Coming Soon.

The Pine Barrens are right here in New Jersey (where I live) and I’ve been there several times with the Hubby-pants. We went again last week and I took a few pictures so you guys can get a feel for the place.

There’s a baby deer in that last shot! Beautifully creepy, isn’t it? Can’t you see why I picked it? I’m sure you can. The people behind the counter at the visitor’s center? Not so much. The following conversation took place:

Me: Hi, I’m an author, doing research for the setting of an upcoming novel in these woods. Can you tell me which of the rivers that run through here flows the fastest?

Perky Female Helper: Umm, probably the Batsto River.

Me: Is it rather deep?

Bored Male Helper: No, it’s pretty shallow. The Mullica River is deeper, but it flows much slower.

Me: Damn, that won’t do. Okay. This Batsto, if I marched young children out to the center of it on a tree trunk and pushed them in, they would have a hard go of it, right? Especially if they couldn’t swim? Does the current move that fast? I’m talking 16 year olds.

<SILENCE>

Me: I didn’t say Thriller writer, did I? Frick, I always forget that part. I’m a thriller writer. (I forgot my business cards in the car with hubby, so as far as they know I’m looking for a way to march my own children to their watery deaths…)

Male Helper: The Batsto River is about fifteen feet deep in the center. I just went fishing in it last week, for perch. Perch prefer fast moving water over their gills and there were a lot in the water. So I guess if you were…pushed into it…right at the center…and couldn’t swim, couldn’t stand up…you could drown….

Me: Awesome! Thanks!

*Cheerily waves goodbye after grabbing a map and writing down BATSTO*

Sadly, however, I’ve had my fun. July is over. I published Blood in the Past in June and allowed myself a little over a month to step away from Lyla, Jillian, and Brighthouse so I could create new crazy ass people doing depraved things to one another. I had a great time working on The Word and The Way, but now it’s time to begin revisions on the first, full-length book in the Blood for Blood Series, which is already written, Blood in the Paint.

To commemorate this endeavor, Blood in the Past will be FREE all day TODAY and TODAY only! (And only .99 this weekend in case you’re reading this post late!) Need more of an excuse to pick it up? Check out another awesome FIVE STAR REVIEW over at Me, Myself & Books Blog!

Why Authors Should Watch TV

I’m often asked where I get my inspiration from. When I thought about my answer seriously, I realized that television plays a large part in my ideas, my characters, and my scene settings.

I follow a lot of authors on Facebook and Twitter and I try to keep up with various forums on Goodreads, Shelfari, and LibraryThing. What I’ve recently learned is that an overwhelming number of authors shun television. I don’t know if they consider their literary prowess to be above the act of watching TV or if they view the activity in itself to be severely lowbrow. Or maybe they just spend all their time writing. Regardless, I think shunning television is a grave mistake.

Learn more about why authors should watch TV at my Guest Post on Suzanne Van Rooyen’s blog! And be sure to leave a comment either there or here!

(Please note that at the time of this writing, there are two due dates for Blood in the Past listed in the article. ONLY the first one, June 19th, is CORRECT. Winter 2013 is the expected release for my next book. Again, June 19th is the correct release date for Blood in the Past. Thank you.)

Jerks & Irks XXXIX: My Death is Surely in the Details

With my novella, Blood in the Past off to the editor for the next few days, I’ve had a lot to think about…Like the most annoying part of the writing process (at least for this series): RESEARCH.

I had to research all sorts of little details that I didn’t think would really make a real difference, but that I wanted to get right nonetheless. What sort of hours do police officers work? When do their shifts begin and end? Was the Franklin Institute (a Philadelphia Museum) around in 2002? When was it last renovated? How are law enforcement funerals handled? What songs are usually played? Can a person shoot themselves in the head and have the bullet circumvent their actual brain? What kind of minimal damage would still occur? How does a hospital’s pharmacy department operate?

Blah, blah, blah.

The most irksome part though? My sources ending their very detailed answers and explanations with “But every precinct/hospital/case is different.”

UGH!!!

My Blood for Blood Series takes place in a real city, Philadelphia, and many scenes took place in a real hospital, University of Pennsylvania Hospital. My sources’ information, however useful, was more generalized. So what’s an author to do?

Well, there’s not much I could do about the Philadelphia police department. It is what it is, ya know. (But I definitely plan on befriending a Philly cop during the revisions of Blood in the Paint.) The hospital, however, I could do something about. I changed it to a fictitious one. New name: West Philadelphia General Hospital. West Philly Gen, for short. The changes weren’t too extensive, so I was able to do them at the last minute before Blood in the Past went to the editor. Luckily for me, when I googled “West Philly Gen” I found that there was a “Philadelphia General” from 1919-1977 in virtually the SAME area as present-day UPENN Hospital! So, of course, I threw that in the narrative, to add a touch of realism to the setting. 😉

Problem solved!

So what do you guys think? Is a fictitious hospital (or any organization) the way to go over a real-life one? Weigh-in in the comments section!

Oh, and one more thing! Those that are signed up for my mailing list will receive an exclusive peek at the first chapter of Blood in the Past, as soon as it’s edited! If you haven’t joined yet, what are you waiting for? Click Here!

 

 

High Five for Top Fives

Up top, guys! This year is freaking over! Whoo hooo! Let the champagne flow! Pass the jello shots! Because nothing says classy like champagne and jello shots!

And no end-of-the-year blog post is complete without the requisite Top Blah Blah Blah List. Here are several of mine:

Top Five JJE Posts (based on Views, Comments, & Likes)

1. Getting Arrested for the Greater Good
2. Murder & Mother-In-Laws
3. What Not to Do on the Train…
4. The Typos Aren’t Your Fault?
5. Location, Location, Location

Top Five JJE Posts I Liked But No One Saw

1. Research or Get Besmirched
2. Like Reading a Schizophrenic’s Notes
3. This “Sux!”
4. Who Wears Short Shorts?
5. The Next Big Thing (Ok, this one’s a shameless plug. Don’t judge me, my books come out in 2013. TeeHee)

Top Five Weird-A$$ Search Terms That Brought People Here

1. “baster brain” & “bald slavegirl fantasy” (That’s a tie, sorry)
2. “fiction stories don’t beat me”
3. “wave bum”
4. “you’re welcome, it was a pleasure, hope you didn’t destroy your keyboard”
5. “I’m not the same person please go away”
6. BONUS *anytime someone searched for “jordanna east” or any derivative thereof* (That happened ELEVEN times!)

Top Five Books I Read This Year

1. The Hunger Games Trilogy (Duh)
2. The Pine Deep Trilogy by Jonathan Maberry
3. The Hangman’s Daughter by Oliver Potzsch
4. The King’s X by Stephen T. Harper
5. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith

Top Five Things I Look Forward to in 2013

1. Typing up my Prequel, Blood in the Past, and submitting it to beta readers, editor, etc. Publishing it via Blood Read Press
2. Getting my finished book covers from the amazingly talented Kit Foster
3. Revising my full-length novel, Blood in the Paint, and submitting it to beta readers, editor, etc. Publishing it via Blood Read Press
4. Starting the second full-length novel in the series (and the research for it!)
5. A much deserved SPA DAY and a VACATION!

I just want to get all sappy for a moment and thank everyone for following me here, Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, etc. For being interested in me and my silly dream. For asking about my books. For laughing at my bookstore horror stories. I value your encouragement in same way I value cute kittens, funny-looking chickens, and anything made of chocolate. Happy New Year!

Location, Location, Location! (For your novel)

My novel is set in Philadelphia, PA. Not because I adore the so-called City of Brotherly love, but because it was convenient. When I first started Blood in the Paint, I was living in Philadelphia. I now live not too far from it. Therefore I can just hop on over the bridge and scout locations for scenes, such as UPENN hospital. The rest of the series will undoubtedly take place in the same city, however, I think I want to spread my wings a little. Why?

1. I follow a lot of fellow authors on Facebook. A few of them have mentioned the settings of their new books. I’m jealous.
2. The last few books I’ve read have been set in Spain, Bavaria, Boston, and Italy. Reminds me that possibilities are endless.
3. I recently watched an episode of Drugs, Inc about the heroin epidemic in Alaska. (apparently Alaska has a worse rep than Detroit. Who knew?) Not only did I suddenly want to write a story about the grittiest areas in a corner of the world that gets half a day of darkness for part of the year, but I also wished I had seen this particular episode before my grand heroin search.

So where are your WIP’s set? Do you have a dream setting for a future project?

Jerks & Irks XXIV: Some People!

Hello faithful blog followers! I’m coming to you live from New Jersey, the soon-to-be home of Hurricane Sandy. Have to do this quickly before the power goes out. And if that happens, it’ll be its own Jerks & Irks post next week.

Today I’d like to talk about people. Specifically acquaintances. Such as those on Facebook. I don’t know about you, but I have about 200+ Facebook friends, mostly made up of acquaintances. About 15 of them (and I’m being generous) care about my writing life. Of those 15, 5 of them just want a free book. But recently, oh recently my darling followers, someone hit me with one doozie of a Facebook chat convo:

High School Dude: Wowww long time no see. How have u been? (For perspective, I have seen this dude once since graduating high school in 1999 and that was our 10-year reunion in which he simply smiled at me. He never comments on my statuses or photos. ACQUAINTANCE)

Me: Hey, doing well. How about you?

High School Dude: I’m well,thanks. Congrats  on ur new business venture. So is it a book publishing company?

Me: Thank you! Yes, I am working on a couple of books and will be publishing under my own company.

High School Dude: I need some advice (Notice no inquiries about what I’m writing, just confirmation that it’s a book publishing company. That should have been my first clue.)

Me: Ok…

High School Dude: I’m really feeling like I want to try&write a book or two,but I don’t know where to start (sic)

Me: Ok, no problem. If you have ideas, start writing. I would also recommend gaining a presence on as many social platforms as you can. Set up a facebook page, Twitter account, instagram, pinterest, blog, etc. The more you get your name out there and recognized, the more it will help you later. Then you want to do a ton of research about how you want to publish. You can either go the traditional route or the Indie route (self-publishing) like me.

High School Dude: See that’s one of the things that r a problem. I know what I want,but I just don’t have the time. Isn’t there a process where u can get someone to co author/write what u want? (sic) (Don’t have the time or don’t want to put in the work?)

Me: Are you writing fiction or something else?

High School Dude: I want to do something like an autobiography&another one about relationship signs before,during&after process Something like that (sic)

Me: I mean, I know celebrities hire ghost writers. Magazines hire ghost writers. But I don’t know about ghost writers authoring a book for an everyday person. I have heard of co-authors, but I’m so sorry I don’t know anything about that process. I deal with fiction and that’s what I’ve researched. (As in, you should do some research your damn self)

High School Dude: Well see,that’s what I mean… I’m totally oblivious to this whole process. That’s what I meant,a ghost writer. I mean the relationship book could be fiction (sic) (That last thought, is he insinuating that I write his book for him since I work in fiction? Because, oh hell no.)

Me: Honestly, this is gonna sound corny, but I would just google it. After I wrote a few chapters of my book I literally googled “How to write a book,” “How to be an author,” “How to market your book,” etc. I’m sure you can do the same with “How to find a ghostwriter.” (Still trying to push him to do his own research.)

High School Dude: Ok,thanks a lot. I appreciate it. Thought u would be able to point me in the right direction& I was definitely right.. I hope u don’t mind if I pick ur brain here&there as I embark on this journey. Thanks again it pays to have smart friends from high school (sic) (Oh that’s right, you barely graduated…)

Now, I’m not a total douche-rocket, so if anyone actually has any advice for me to pass along to my High School Dude friend acquaintance, please leave it in the comments section. Or if you just want to commiserate about your own friends acquaintances, feel free to do that also.