Jerks & Irks XXIV: Some People!

Hello faithful blog followers! I’m coming to you live from New Jersey, the soon-to-be home of Hurricane Sandy. Have to do this quickly before the power goes out. And if that happens, it’ll be its own Jerks & Irks post next week.

Today I’d like to talk about people. Specifically acquaintances. Such as those on Facebook. I don’t know about you, but I have about 200+ Facebook friends, mostly made up of acquaintances. About 15 of them (and I’m being generous) care about my writing life. Of those 15, 5 of them just want a free book. But recently, oh recently my darling followers, someone hit me with one doozie of a Facebook chat convo:

High School Dude: Wowww long time no see. How have u been? (For perspective, I have seen this dude once since graduating high school in 1999 and that was our 10-year reunion in which he simply smiled at me. He never comments on my statuses or photos. ACQUAINTANCE)

Me: Hey, doing well. How about you?

High School Dude: I’m well,thanks. Congrats  on ur new business venture. So is it a book publishing company?

Me: Thank you! Yes, I am working on a couple of books and will be publishing under my own company.

High School Dude: I need some advice (Notice no inquiries about what I’m writing, just confirmation that it’s a book publishing company. That should have been my first clue.)

Me: Ok…

High School Dude: I’m really feeling like I want to try&write a book or two,but I don’t know where to start (sic)

Me: Ok, no problem. If you have ideas, start writing. I would also recommend gaining a presence on as many social platforms as you can. Set up a facebook page, Twitter account, instagram, pinterest, blog, etc. The more you get your name out there and recognized, the more it will help you later. Then you want to do a ton of research about how you want to publish. You can either go the traditional route or the Indie route (self-publishing) like me.

High School Dude: See that’s one of the things that r a problem. I know what I want,but I just don’t have the time. Isn’t there a process where u can get someone to co author/write what u want? (sic) (Don’t have the time or don’t want to put in the work?)

Me: Are you writing fiction or something else?

High School Dude: I want to do something like an autobiography&another one about relationship signs before,during&after process Something like that (sic)

Me: I mean, I know celebrities hire ghost writers. Magazines hire ghost writers. But I don’t know about ghost writers authoring a book for an everyday person. I have heard of co-authors, but I’m so sorry I don’t know anything about that process. I deal with fiction and that’s what I’ve researched. (As in, you should do some research your damn self)

High School Dude: Well see,that’s what I mean… I’m totally oblivious to this whole process. That’s what I meant,a ghost writer. I mean the relationship book could be fiction (sic) (That last thought, is he insinuating that I write his book for him since I work in fiction? Because, oh hell no.)

Me: Honestly, this is gonna sound corny, but I would just google it. After I wrote a few chapters of my book I literally googled “How to write a book,” “How to be an author,” “How to market your book,” etc. I’m sure you can do the same with “How to find a ghostwriter.” (Still trying to push him to do his own research.)

High School Dude: Ok,thanks a lot. I appreciate it. Thought u would be able to point me in the right direction& I was definitely right.. I hope u don’t mind if I pick ur brain here&there as I embark on this journey. Thanks again it pays to have smart friends from high school (sic) (Oh that’s right, you barely graduated…)

Now, I’m not a total douche-rocket, so if anyone actually has any advice for me to pass along to my High School Dude friend acquaintance, please leave it in the comments section. Or if you just want to commiserate about your own friends acquaintances, feel free to do that also.