No Jerks, But Plenty of Grape-Feeding Vixens

Hello there faithful followers and scared newcomers! (Don’t be scared, I don’t even curse on here. Unless you count “frick.”)For those of you that follow this blog, you may have noticed I didn’t post a Jerks & Irks installment this past Monday. (Newcomers can click here to catch up on all those good times) That would be because here in the good ole US of A, it was Memorial Day. There are NO Jerks on Memorial Day, just hard-working, brave individuals who leave their loved ones behind to fight for our country. The only irksome thing is some people’s inability to see Memorial Day as anything other than a reason for a long weekend to hang out at BBQ’s and beaches and buy a big, blue washing machine on sale at Sears.

Alas (more people should use “Alas” in everyday conversation, don’t you think? Alas, we have plenty of Oreos and no milk…), there will always be people like that on Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day, and on 9/11 Day when that inevitably becomes a holiday. But in an effort to not make this a complete Debbie Downer post, here is an Amazon book review I came across over the weekend that had me doubled over with the giggles. I don’t know if the reviewer is being sincere or facetious, but it’s great:

“In what is going to be the Odyssey of the 21st century, Scott Middlemist tells the epic of a man trying to recover parts of his soul. The book was an amazing experience and I literally could not put it down until I had finished reading every single word between the covers. After finishing the book, I realized that I had grown a lustrous, thick beard that was the envy of lumberjacks all across the Pacific Nothwest. My testosterone levels had tripled during my 18 hours of literary fascination and after letting out a throaty roar, vixens from all across the land flocked to me and fed me peeled grapes. “Since reading this book, I have become a lot more popular with the women of the world and I have never had to spend a Friday night on my own. I would also like to extend thanks for my new, thick beard (if you do grow a beard from reading this book I would recommend using Mane n Tail to ensure that it keeps its shine and hue). I can also bench press 250 lbs now which always comes in handy throughout my day. “Thank you for all you have done for me Mr. Scott Middlemist. Please write a sequel for everyone out there delving into the deep corners of your mind. You are my hero.”

In case you are inspired to grow a beard in preparation for the hoard of grape-feeding vixens, the book is called Jigsaw Soul by Scott Middlemist. I downloaded the book based on the summary (and this review, let’s be honest), and probably won’t get to read it for months. However, when I do get around to it, I can guarantee my review won’t be anywhere near as entertaining.

Disclaimer: If she doesn’t ring your doorbell within minutes of you reading “Jigsaw Soul,” don’t blame me, I didn’t write the review. K, thanks.