Jerks & Irks XLV: Scumbag Medicine

Are you guys familiar with the Scumbag Steve Memes? They originated with a young, scumbaggy kid standing in a doorway, his stupid designer cap on backwards? The caption demonstrating just how he’s being a scumbag at that particular time?


Well, these memes have evolved into various people and items, with scumbag-like qualities, but still donning the ridiculous backwards cap. Like this:


Anyway, for those who don’t know, I had a seizure last week. I’ve been put on an anticonvulsant/anti-migraine medication where my only form of breathing seems to be yawning. And that’s not all. If I had more patience, I would create a meme with a picture of my new prescription drug bottle, rocking the requisite backwards cap, with the caption: Scumbag Medicine: Might Make Birth Control Ineffective, Can’t Take While Pregnant.

Then I’d make a second meme that read: Scumbag Medicine: Not Safe to Unborn Fetus, Not Safe to Quit Taking While Pregnant.

Dude! What the hell! Dear pharmacy people, make up your minds! You’re really limiting my options here! And setting aside the whole “to procreate or not to procreate” issue, I’d then make a third meme with simply the image described above and the Stephen-King-novel-long-list-of-side-effects in teensy, tiny font. Some of my favorite side effects?

  • Mental problems. Such as confusion, trouble concentrating, memory problems, taking a long time to craft a blog post. Okay, so I just made that last one up, but it definitely says “Mental Problems.” I’m a writer. I have enough mental problems…
  • Depression, suicidal thoughts. Again, I’m a writer, so…
  • Broken bones. Wait, my bones might just spontaneously break? That sounds like an awesome story prompt. Too bad I’m having trouble concentrating…
  • Mental changes, such as decreased alertness. You mean I’ll finally stop checking my Amazon sales rank? Score! (This probably won’t happen, so go buy my book so I won’t be disappointed later. Kthanks.)

In conclusion, I would like to point out two hilarious disclaimers at the end of the list of side effects that accompanied my prescription.

  1. Remember that your doctor has prescribed this medication because he or she has judged that the benefit to you is greater than the risk of the side effects, even though you might go blind (I added that last part, but it doesn’t make it any less true).
  2. This is not a complete list of possible side effects. For a complete list call the FDA or these people in Canada, that is, if your fingers aren’t tingling too badly (okay, I added that last part again, but tingly hands and feet is still a real side effect).