Jerks & Irks XXXIII: How My Cats Prepare Me For Children

Hubby-pants and I haven’t done the kid thing yet. But now that I’m home more, getting my novel-on, I’m also with our two cats more. Don’t get me wrong, I love the furry little frickers. One’s pudgy and feisty. The other one’s tiny and skittish. Like really skittish. Like sneeze while she’s creeping into the room and she’ll jump a foot and a half in the air kind of skittish. But anyway, they have their own little personalities and I enjoy their general existence (who am I kidding, I really do love them), but they seriously irk the crap outta me. Especially when I’m writing.

catop

Cats are intuitive creatures. They know kids will be in the picture soon, so they’re preparing me…by getting on my nerves. Crying, running, jumping, vomiting on the carpet and NOT on the tile (yes, I’m convinced they do that on purpose), eating random foreign objects, etc. Incidentally I’m now armed with a full arsenal of phrases that I just know I’ll have to use in the future when I’m home alone with the kids. Here they are:

  • “Get down from there!”
  • “What’s in your mouth?”
  • “Don’t touch that!”
  • “Get off the laptop. Mommy’s writing!”
  • “Dont eat that!”
  • “Go play with your sister. Mommy’s writing.”
  • “Where is your sister?”
  • “Get that out of your mouth!”
  • “Leave Daddy’s shoes alone!”
  • “FOR GOD’S SAKE STOP EATING THAT!!! AND GET OFF THE DAMN LAPTOP!!!”

catlap

Does this sound like you and your pets? Or do you already have kids? Do any of these scolding phrases sound familiar? In other words, am I on the right track here?