Jerks & Irks XLVI: My Special Insomnia

Sometimes it takes me forever to fall asleep. It’s often quite irksome. Sometimes I’m not even trying to actually fall asleep; I’m just trying to get comfortable so I can read. But if I’m not comfortable, if my mind isn’t at ease, I can’t read. And that’s also quite irksome. Take a look at what I go through…

• I get in bed. My sheets are twisted. Hubby doesn’t use the sheet, so I’m on my own straightening it. I need to make sure it’s right-side-up before I can even begin to relax. Same with the blanket I use. Yes, Hubby-pants and I use separate blankets to accommodate our different sleeping styles. We’re utter weirdos that way.
• With the bedclothes straightened over me, I lie down on my left side, make sure the pillow is between my shoulder and my face (that’s very important), and read. If I’m beginning a new book, I have to read the first few sentences several times because they just don’t “take.” My mind just won’t “accept” them. It’s odd. By the time my brain finally decides to play along and put the words together to form sentences that make sense and tell the beginning of a story, I have to pee.
• I return from the bathroom and repeat my ten minute wrestling and rustling with the sheet and blanket. If Hubby-pants is in bed also, he calls over his shoulder something sarcastic like, “Do you need help?” or “Are you okay?” He doesn’t mean it. He hates my sheet. He laughs in the face of my nightly sheet-struggles.
• I read a few chapters and my eyes begin to heavily protest reading further. Fine. I turn off my Kindle, set it on the nightstand, and turn over…twisting the mother-flitting sheet. Dammit. I readjust them. Now I’m awake. I reach back and grab my Kindle. Read a page or two. My mind gets tired again. I turn the Kindle off, leave it where it is, and close my eyes.
• That’s when it happens: The perfect scene/line of dialogue/short story idea/novel premise/subplot/etc. I roll over in a tsunami of sheets and scramble for my phone. I enter a quick note into my notepad app. It makes next to no sense because of autocorrect. And because if I don’t type it quickly my mind will make it disappear. I go back over my notes and correct/fill in the details. I sigh a sigh of satisfaction. Then straighten the #%*&ing sheet again.
• I’m really tired now. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to jot anymore notes (unless something really brilliant hits and I just absolutely have to). So I just lie there. And my mind wanders as I shove my pillow between my shoulder and my face. Why are pillows rectangular? Is it just so two of them neatly fill the width of a bed? Because they could just as easily be any other shape. Who picks the shape of anything? Remote controls should be circles. Too many things are rectangles. When I’m rich, I’m gonna have a bunch of circular things. Circles are so organic. Not like organic food, but organic spiritually. Organic food is so expensive! Organic strawberries are totally worth it though…

 

I honestly can’t tell you when that mess actually stops and sleep actually begins, but that’s the story of my own special insomnia. Care to tell me yours?

Technically Still a Spring Release!!!!

Last year, I promised a Spring 2013 release for the prelude novella of my upoming Blood for Blood Series. Blood in the Past was supposed to be released in March, but I wanted it to be the best it could be and that took a little more time and money. BUT, since Summer doesn’t technically begin until June 21st, I didn’t lie to anybody.

It’s been a long road since I first started writing. I started a story, wrote nine chapters of a first draft, then put it aside. A personal tragedy prompted me to finish that story, but as I continued writing, I found I wanted to tell how the characters came to be in the mental states they were in. Why is Jillian so attached to her past? What makes her so needy and love-starved? Why is Lyla so vengeful toward married men, yet still inwardly longs for a happy, married life? Why is Brighthouse so eager to please his colleagues and prove himself? These backstories needed their own spotlight. And not via a lengthy prologue or numerous, tedious info dumps. So, by golly, I gave my characters the spotlight they deserved.

And today, June 19th, 2013, I have goosebumps as I type the following: Blood in the Past is officially availaible as an ebook on Amazon!

To answer a few frequently asked questions:

1. It will only be available via Amazon, as I opted to enroll in their KDP Select Program.
2. It will only be available in digital form. Have to have a print copy? No worries. When the first full-length novel in the series (Blood in the Paint) drops this winter, there will be a limited edition that includes Blood in the Past as bonus material. 😉
3. Yes, my eye is still twitching.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Read and review, people! Read. And. Review. 🙂

Technically Still a Spring Release!!!!

Last year, I promised a Spring 2013 release for the prelude novella of my upoming Blood for Blood Series. Blood in the Past was supposed to be released in March, but I wanted it to be the best it could be and that took a little more time and money. BUT, since Summer doesn’t technically begin until June 21st, I didn’t lie to anybody.

It’s been a long road since I first started writing. I started a story, wrote nine chapters of a first draft, then put it aside. A personal tragedy prompted me to finish that story, but as I continued writing, I found I wanted to tell how the characters came to be in the mental states they were in. Why is Jillian so attached to her past? What makes her so needy and love-starved? Why is Lyla so vengeful toward married men, yet still inwardly longs for a happy, married life? Why is Brighthouse so eager to please his colleagues and prove himself? These backstories needed their own spotlight. And not via a lengthy prologue or numerous, tedious info dumps. So, by golly, I gave my characters the spotlight they deserved.

And today, June 19th, 2013, I have goosebumps as I type the following: Blood in the Past is officially availaible as an ebook on Amazon!

Click to Purchase

To answer a few frequently asked questions:

1. It will only be available via Amazon, as I opted to enroll in their KDP Select Program.
2. It will only be available in digital form. Have to have a print copy? No worries. When the first full-length novel in the series (Blood in the Paint) drops this winter, there will be a limited edition that includes Blood in the Past as bonus material. 😉
3. Yes, my eye is still twitching.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Read and review, people! Read. And. Review. 🙂

Jerks & Irks XLII: The Unglamorous Side of Writing

I’m sure you all know by now that the prelude novella to my Blood for Blood Series, Blood in the Past, will be released Wednesday. What you don’t know is why my eye has been twitching for the last nine days. It’s because of the unglamorous side of writing. It’s nothing short of awesome-rockets to create characters, write a plot around them, and see it through to “The End.” But the end is slow going. When I received my final polished copy from Cassie at Red Adept, I thought it would be smooth sailing until release day. It was not.

• Following the editing process, Blood in the Past was sent to a proofreader. After I received my manuscript back from the proofreader, I didn’t entirely trust their work (equal parts perfectionism, paranoia, and the proofreader herself had made a few errors), so I had to read my story three more times. The reading and re-reading and re-re-reading of your own work is tiresome. That in itself is eye-twitch-worthy.
• With the novella fully polished, I thought it was a good time to type up the front- and back-matter. Table of Contents. Dedication. Acknowledgments. About the Author. Contact the Author. Copyright. Agh! I bet your eyes are twitching just reading that list. Then I had to read everything over. Again and again. Typos? Spacing? Thanked everyone? Copyright page scary enough? Tres un-glam.
• Once satisfied with my edited and proofread copy, I copy-and-pasted all the components of the front- and back-matter, then I hired Karen Perkins at LionheART to format the it for Kindle. When she was done–you guessed it–I had to read it through a couple more times, this time from my Kindle. I only found a couple of errors and they might have been my doing. But Karen was very patient with me and we corresponded via email for hours until I was happy.
• Whoops, I forgot a step. See how scatter-brained I am? Before I sent Blood in the Past to LionheART, I purchased a gaggle of ISBN numbers from Bowker. I know what you’re gonna say: Amazon provides the ISBN for you. And you’re right…if you want the publisher to be listed as Amazon. I registered my own publishing company, remember? (Blood Read Press) Therefore I needed my own ISBNs. Purchasing them was pretty easy. Assigning one to my novella was a pain in the pin-cushion.There are so many QUESTIONS! Agh! A few of which I didn’t even know the answers to. Thankfully, not all the questions required an answer to continue. But seriously, that took me about two hours.

I still have yet to formally apply for a copyright, but I guess that’s for a different post. Tonight, I’ll attempt to upload Blood in the Past to Amazon. Why so early? To ensure I don’t screw it up and have to delay my release date. Duh. Wish me luck guys. I’m gonna need it.

But in all honesty, it is pretty damn cool to look at your own book on your Kindle. 😉

 

 

Jerks & Irks XXXIV: Why I Won’t Read Your Book

Folks, today I’m the jerk of this post. For that I’d like to apologize in advance.

I read a lot. I browse Pixel of Ink, Goodreads, and the recommendations and best sellers on Amazon. How do I decide what to download? The same way everyone does, The cover, the blurb, and the reviews. But sometimes a book doesn’t have a Twinkie’s chance in my cupboard (Twinkies are coming back, y’all!). Here’s where the jerky part comes in: If a book doesn’t have a chance of me reading it, it may not be your fault. I have more than a few, uh, quirks:

1. If your cover is cartoonish, I won’t read your book. I don’t know why. I just won’t even read the blurb. I’ll keep scrolling. An adult book (unless it’s chick-lit, maybe) shouldn’t have a cartoon on it. I feel this way because I’m a jerk.
2. If your blurb starts off, “[Dude/Chick] had it all…,” I won’t read your book. It’s such a clichéd opening that I assume your plot is also cliché. Because jerks like me assume things.
3. If your blurb mentions a “ruggedly handsome hero” or “plucky cast of characters” or any other such description, I won’t read your book. Your hero may be rugged looking and your misfit cast may be plucky, but it all sounds so amateur to me. Maybe because I’m a jerk who thinks she’s too sophisticated for your characters.
4. If your cover has half-naked people on it, I won’t read your book. Nakedness usually indicates a Romance novel, but not always. I don’t read Romance (no offense to Romance writers), so that’s one reason to avoid these books. But if the title indicates non-romance, but still has half-naked people on it, what does that mean? I don’t want to find out. I skip the blurb, nervous that it will lie to me. Because sometimes jerks can be paranoid.
5. If your cover has actual people on it, I won’t read your book. This one is tricky and probably the most jerky of the bunch. There are covers with people blended into the background and covers with people who look real, but still airbrushed, I guess? Anyway, then there are the covers I’m talking about. The ones that look pretty much like they were stolen from someone’s Facebook page and uploaded with some text layered on top of it. There are other ways to DIY a cover. Better ways. If you were so lazy with your cover, I worry about the content. This is probably because I’m a jerk.

I’m sure I can think of more examples, but I don’t want to scare you guys away completely. Like I said, these are quirks and I’m a jerk (Hey that rhymes!). Hopefully I didn’t make too many enemies. Do you guys have any weird quirks about choosing books to read? (Please tell me I’m not the only jerk out there!)

Not a Review. Definitely a Rant.

When I worked at the bookstore, one of the most prominent authors on the mystery/suspense/thriller shelf was Ted Dekker. His titles were intriguing. His cover art even more so. So I used part of my Christmas Amazon money (yes, I ask for Amazon  gift cards every year) to buy the e-book omnibus edition of his Circle Series. From what I read it was a blend of two stories: a modern thriller story and a futuristic-yet-unwesternized-fantasy story. Cool concept, right? I certainly thought so. I should also mention that Ted Dekker is a Christian Fiction author. I usually don’t read Christian Fiction unless the reviews specifically say that the story is unbiased (aka not preachy). I did my due diligence on Mr Dekker and was satisfied that his books dealt with Good vs Evil. I said, I can live with that. Bring it on, Teddster. One last thing to point out and I’ll get to the rant, I promise. The Circle Series is made up of four books, Red, Black, White, Green. Green is the odd man out because you can read it at the beginning of the series or at the end. Hence, the “circle” concept. Man, this is gonna be good, I thought.

Begin Rant (SPOILER ALERT):

• I started with Black. I liked the Thriller side of the story better that the over-beautified Fantasy side, but I still enjoyed the way the main character’s modern life intertwined with the Fantasy side through his dreams, which were really a portal between the two worlds. Not too shabby. I gave it 4* on Goodreads.
• Next up was Red. I enjoyed it, but the metaphors and allegorical references to the Old and New Testaments began to be really OBVIOUS. Like elephant in the desert obvious. Like strip mall on Mars obvious. My own personal religious beliefs aside, I felt it was kind of a cop-out. The Bible is full of great stories and all Dekker did was steal from it and change a few things around. But I still gave it 4* on Goodreads.
• Then I read White. UGH! Thomas Hunter’s (the main character) wife dies. A year later he’s head-over-heels-in-love-over-the-moon for the daughter of his enemy’s leader. I felt like 80% of the book involved him trying to get to this woman and being all about her and blah, blah, blah. I didn’t sign up for a Romance novel, Ted. You’re killing me. I gave it 3* on Goodreads..
• I chose to read Green last. At this point I just wanted the series to be over. (I have this quirk about reading an entire book no matter how unhappy it makes me…and since I was already so invested in the story, I had to finish the damn series.) Vampires. All I have to say is vampires. A character is revealed to be the biblical version of vampires, nephilim, to be specific. I have no problem with vampires. But why now? It was just so random and really didn’t explain anything or further the plot along. It was like good ole Teddy just learned about the nephilim in his travels and was like, “Hey, this series I’m writing is pretty biblical. Let’s add some biblical-ass vampires. Bam!” Oh and there was more of the whole I-can’t-live-without-my-second-wife/first-wife-who? nonsense. Badly wanted to give this 2*, but gave it 3. Might still change it. I’m debating.

In the end I wasted the whole month of February and first week of March reading this series. I even stayed up until damn near 2am one night to finish the damn thing. Because I just couldn’t do it anymore.

Rant over. I feel better. Thanks.

 

Rain Is Evil, Mother Nature Is Cruel

For as long as I can remember, rain has ruined my life. Birthdays. Halloweens. Real holidays, like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Arbor Day. What the hell, rain?

It rained when I went to go get my hair done for prom.

It has rained almost every time I’ve wanted to go to Six Flags (that’s a theme park, my non-American pals).

It rained the days leading up to my wedding so the ground was all squishy and my heels got stuck while we took pictures.

It has rained out beach days and barbecues.

It has rained whenever I’ve gotten my hair done, turning me into a troll doll.

It even rains whenever I need to do laundry, which can only be accessed from outside.

Don’t tell me about flowers and crap either. I am NOT a flower. I don’t give a damn. When I’m thirsty I grab a bottle of Poland Spring from the fridge. Besides, it’s winter. There are no damn flowers!

Right now, the rain is once again rearing its damp, dreary head. My prequel novella, Blood in the Past, goes to the editor in 15 days. It’s been raining for like the last week. Soggy, slushy, stupid rain. I can’t work when it’s raining. I just want to cuddle up on the couch, eat soup, and watch television. Or snuggle up in bed with my Kindle. I have no desire to be creative. Who can be creative when everything is so dull and grey?

You guys can, can’t you? I’m sure you’ll tell me all about it in the Comments Section. Like, how you can just put on a comfy T-shirt, pull some journals out of a tote bag, write it them with some brand new pens, and cheerily eat chocolate. By the way, if you find yourself in need of these materials, you should probably enter my giveaway where I’m including all these things as part of the grand prize. All you have to do is help me name my debut psych thriller series.

Because, once the sun comes out, it’s back to writing.

 

 

Jerks & Irks XXVIII: Fo’rizzy

Are you confused by the title of this post? Are you confused by the caption next to Colin Powell? Would you be even more confused if you were reading a novel in which an Ivy-educated journalist, who happens to be Black, uses such phrases in his inner monologue? Because that’s what I’m going through right now. I won’t tell you the title or the author, but I will say that I’m enjoying the story so far. Except for the unrealistic and completely ludicrous “slang.” I put “slang” in quotations because, with the exception of several-years-ago-Snoop-Dogg, no one speaks like that. No one seriously uses the terms “Fo’rizzle” and “Fo’shizzy” in replace of “for real.” Especially when they’ve been Harvard educated and write for an illustrious NYC magazine for a living. I’m not saying that the character’s inner monologue should sound like Stephen Hawking or anything, but a simple “Is she for real?” would suffice.

Also, I find it irksome and more than a bit insulting (as a person of mixed race) that the author thought a Black character wouldn’t come across as Black unless they spouted off these incessant “Fo’shizzles” at every turn. By the way, my novel has a Black female character and the only thing that sets her apart as Black is her physical description.

Ya know what I mean? Fo’sheezy. (Ugh, I need to wash my keyboard after this…)

Anyway, speaking of being “hip,” there’s still time to enter to win this totally “happenin” Jordanna East tote bag. It’s roomy, it’s canvas, and it’s got my pretty face on it. If that doesn’t say chic, I don’t know what does. And if doesn’t say chic, draw your best happy face on the other side and wear it backwards. Click here before December 16th.

That’s one good lookin’ gal on there!

E-Book Formatting Faux Pas

If you don’t know by now, I am a voracious reader. See the Books I’ve Read in Bed tab? I’ve read all those book this year. All of them. Don’t feel like counting? There’s 62 of them.

What’s my point? Well besides being an obvious braggart, I would like to say that I’m not really a picky reader. But I do have my peeves. I just learned that one of them, when it comes to e-books, is formatting.

Here are a couple of things I’ve seen among some of the books I’ve read recently:

• Copyright/Dedication page bleeding into the first page of the novel
• Chapters not starting on a new page
• Whole chapters being in italics/bold face (for no reason, of course)
• Odd spacing
• Weird “raised words” (they look like exponents in math, but letters)

My question for you guys is, why does this happen? I know you can pay someone to format your novel for you, but are the above errors the result of DIYing it? I’m borderline OCD, so if my novel comes out looking like that, despite the certainly awesome content, I’ll lose my mind all over the place. As in, microscopic pieces of my mind floating throughout the atmosphere for all of eternity.

Please weigh in. Any information and all similar complaints are welcome.

Jerks & Irks XIX: The Question is WHY Do I Work Here?

Ever since I posted Tiny Little Man Wants an Eraser, followers have been clamoring for a new “annoying bookstore people post.” For those of you new to JJE, I recently acquired a part-time job at a local Bargain Book Warehouse. You would think an aspiring author would love working at a bookstore, even if she’s more than partial to her Kindle Fire. In a way, I do like working there. On shifts where I get to work alone I pull a tiny notebook out of my purse and work on my latest chapter or my novel’s prequel. Occasionally, I’m interrupted by customers. Oh well, that’s the nature of a job, isn’t? But it’s not their constant pestering that I find fault with. Not really, anyway. It’s their ultimate annoyingness, such as their affinity for asking me if I work there. Yes, it’s true we don’t wear uniforms. But when I’m doing certain things around the store I really feel like common sense should knock on their skulls from inside their brains to alert them to the situational fricking clues. Here are a few examples:

1. When I’m unlocking the front door to the store. I feel like the fact that I have a KEY really says it all, but maybe that’s just me.

2. When I’m behind the counter. Seriously?

3. When I’m restocking shelves. Since I’ve started working there it has become clear to me that no one in the history of bookstores seems to put things back that they’ve changed their mind about purchasing. They might put it near the correct area, but they never search for a book’s brothers and sisters to put it back. So why is it when you see me staring at a shelf, mumbling the title of one of the books in my arms over and over again like a mantra, do you ask me if I work there?

4. When I’m sitting on the floor indian style, with a pricing gun and a stack of books. No, I don’t work here. I’m staging a coup. These books should be even cheaper. Penny Pinchers Unite!

5. When I’m actually in the stockroom. No I don’t work here. I just know they’re hoarding copies of Snooki’s book back here and I’m gonna prove it!

6. When I’m entering or exiting the door to the office that is clearly marked “Employees Only.” Maybe they can’t read. Maybe they’re just here to buy picture books.

7. When I’m straightening the stacks. No, I don’t work here. I have OCD. Next I’m going to take issue with the dust.

8. When I’m hanging a sign. Again, part of the coup staging. Nothing to see here, folks.

9. When I’m walking through the store with a hand truck. I know there are carts, I just prefer my own shopping methods, such as precariously stacking books a fricking dolly.

10. When I actually ask someone, “Can I help you?” Granted, this one is a rare occurrence. Rare, as in I hardly ever ask anyone if they need help. I’m busy writing, remember? But no, I don’t work here. I’m just a good Samaritan and instead of volunteering at the local soup kitchen I help dork-tards find discounted Bulgarian cookbooks.

If you’re like me, you wondering WHY. Why do I work in place where I’m bombarded by people I want to shoot up in a spree killing scene in one of my novels. Well, besides the abundance of blog material, I need to pay my editor (when I formally choose one) and my cover artist, who I just hired last week. So, that’s what I focus on while I stare at these people in disbelief. If you have any other coping mechanisms for me, I’m all ears.