Jerks & Irks LVI: 7 Things I Hate About The Holidays

I’ll be honest. I have deep-seeded, therapy-requiring reasons for hating the holidays. Still, there are things that don’t help. Here are just a few I could think of off the top of my head.

  1. Any commercial featuring a sleek sedan adorned with a giant red bow. I’m looking at you Lexus. Let’s just say 0.0002% of the US population actually receives a shiny new Lexus as a Christmas present – that’s the percentage of those commercials I want to see. Of all the TV I watch, of all the commercials I see, only 0.0002% of them should be “luxury cars make great Christmas presents” commercials.
  2. Ugly-Sweater-Themed Everything. Parties. Casual Fridays at work. Doggie play dates. Holiday television commercials. It’s even bled into social media. And for the love of everything sacred and holy, there’s even an Ugly Sweater Run. As in, a marathon where the runners don ugly Christmas sweaters. I can’t.
  3. My favorite TV shows having to revolve around Christmas just because. I get that sitcoms have to do this, but does last week’s CSI really have to include Santa Claus AND a reindeer? Does it? DOES IT?!?
  4. Glitter. Glitter on the ornaments. Glitter on the decorations. Glitter on the Christmas cards. Glitter on the clothes your relatives wear to dinner. Stop the madness! As my hubby-pants always likes to say, “Glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world!”
  5. Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas. Just be happy someone is being polite and offering you a sentiment, regardless of whether or not it is technically appropriate. On the other hand, don’t go around saying “Merry Christmas” to people hoping you offend someone. That doesn’t seem very jolly to me either.
  6. Don’t Take the “Christ” of Christmas with X-mas. This one irks me every year because I’m a big fan of educating yourself before you take a firm position on something and almost no one seems to do that anymore. The “X” in X-mas is actually derived from the Greek letter Chi, which is short for the Greek word for Christ, and has been used as shorthand for Christ by religious scholars and scribes for, I dunno, EVER. I don’t even enter this argument anymore. I don’t have the energy. Can you pass the wine?
  7. Talking about my writing at holiday dinners. This is a fairly new one for me. At Thanksgiving a few weeks ago, I had what I thought was awesome news. I’ve been invited to write a short story for an anthology being put together by Joel Mark Harris. He’s an author/screenwriter; the film adaptation of his novel Neutral Territory won 7 awards and 15 nominations at over 20 film festivals worldwide. Perhaps I mumbled this information. Perhaps I didn’t say it with confidence. Perhaps I wasn’t clear about the opportunity. But the question I was met with was, “And what will you be doing?” And I wanted to crawl under the table. I have more good news for Christmas dinner. Locked and loaded. But I hope there’s room under the table after I yell, “Fire in the hole!” and deliver it, once again, to a table full of people who don’t seem to understand me at all.

What do you hate about the holidays? Do you love the holidays? Care to convert me? You’re welcome to try! Leave a comment!