Jerks & Irks XXIII: Please Move!

The theme of today’s installment is: Please Move. I went through many revisions of the title for today’s theme, but they contained far too many profanities and epithets to hit the “Publish” button. Without further ado…

People in my way irritate me. People who are unaware that they’re in my way irritate me greatly. But people in my way on purpose?! Well that just irritates me most of all.  Please observe examples of each:

1. Unnecessary traffic… It doesn’t have to be roadway traffic. It could be supermarket traffic. Gas station traffic. Drive-thru traffic. It all drives me insane. I have zero patience. That’s right, I know I’m inpatient. And everyone else should know it too and PLEASE MOVE!

2. Speaking of the supermarket…Why do people think it’s okay to just stop in the middle of the aisle, with their gigantic steel cart, and block everyone else’s passage, so they can check their list, answer their phone, scratch their ass, tie their shoe, etc? Why is it that when you try to maneuver around them, it is only then that they realize that they are in a bad spot? It is only then that they realize they should have pulled their cart over to the side, in front of something no one buys like tapenade or the generic version of Fruit Loops. It is only then that these JERKS realize that they are not the only ones that need food for sustenance and happen to be out that day buying it. Sometimes I just have to say, PLEASE MOVE!

3. People in a car that think they’re tough… A couple of weeks ago I was driving home from somewhere or another. Along my route, the main road goes straight and there’s a branch that bears to the right so you can make the turn without waiting at the stoplight. That’s my turn. On this particular day there were a few cars stopped at the light. The car in front of me wasn’t pulled up directly behind the car in front of him, so I couldn’t fit down my little branch off. (But I could, if I wanted to, parallel parked in the space in front of his dumb ass.) So, I waited a few seconds with my blinker on, thinking he would see me and get a fricking clue. He did not. So I tooted my horn. I didn’t honk it. I didn’t lay on it for 47 seconds. Just a little toot so he could maybe pull his head out of his arse and pay attention to the world around him. His response? He stayed right where he was. EVEN AFTER THE LIGHT CHANGED.  I can’t even tell you guys how if this was 10 years ago, I would’ve followed that poo-flinger home and creeped him out for the next week walking by his house with various blunt instruments in my hand. In fact, I keep a pipe under my driver’s seat. I could’ve let the creepy times roll that day. But I took a deep breath, and let it go. I’m quite pleased with myself that I was able to refrain from using a more R-rated version of PLEASE MOVE.

But then again, my book sales might have been phenomenal if I was in jail on the release date. Hmmm…