How Heat Waves Burn My Bum

The Northeastern part of the US was hit with a brief heat wave this week. Temperatures up near 100, no breeze. It was awful and I’m gonna complain about it. But before you click away, I promise not to complain about the heat in the usual, mundane fashion. There will be no “Was it hot enough for you?” or “It wasn’t the heat, it was the humidity.” There will be no jokes about egg-based entrees cooked on sidewalks. (There will be an egg-based comic though.) No. I’m quirky. So, of course, I have some quirky-like things that bother me when the sun blazes for days on end.

(photo credit: Rod Anderson, Cartoonist Guy, christianpost.com)

1. The kitchen and bathroom floors are warm. We do not have central air, therefore non-dwelling rooms (anything but the living room and bedroom) are ungodly warm. So when I walk around naked barefoot, the tile floors in the kitchen and bathroom are warm to the touch. It’s unnatural, I tell you! Tile floors are supposed to be COLD!

2. The toothpaste is warm. No one wants to get up in the morning, leave the comfort of their air-conditioned bedroom, brave the oppressive heat of the hallway and bathroom, just to fill their mouth with 89 degree toothpaste. It’s an awful feeling. Kinda makes me wanna hurl. Which defeats the purpose of brushing your teeth in the first place.

3. My contacts are warm. After enduring the experience of brushing with slightly cooled lava, I go to put in my contacts. I stick my finger in the well and my hand recoils. Why? Because the contact solution is damn near boiling. So I blow on it like I’m about to feed soup to a toddler. But when I insert the contact, it still feels like a tiny, microwaved jellyfish. I dislike jellyfish. Needless to say I wear my glasses whenever possible during heat waves.

4. Everything smells worse when its warm. The garbage, barely full, stinks. If you pass a river or pond, it’s offensive to your nostrils. The clothes sitting in the washing machine because I forgot to put them in the dryer? They’re foul. Even my once delightfully smelling chocolate-flavored black tea smells a tiny bit rancid. Is there no justice???

5. Thunderstorms. Almost without fail, a heat wave culminates in a thunderstorm. I hate thunderstorms. In fact, I’m gonna share something with you guys. I’m 30.6 years old and I’m still afraid of thunder. It unnerves me. So much so that I couldn’t concentrate on my writing last night. And that’s what this blog is about, right? My writing journey? Well, in short, heat waves disrupt my writing journey. Thereofre, they are evil. The end.